Confused ramblings.

So this is a strange thought that I've had numerous times since Tiernan's diagnosis and I am never quite comfortable with it.
I feel as though God has blessed me through Tiernan's heart. 
I remember feeling so lonely before he was born.  I felt isolated and like I didn't have any close friends...aside from Jason...who lived nearby.
My sister Jen lives in Missoula.
My sister-in-law, Rhiannon is wonderful.  But busy with work and life.
My friend Julie was dealing with family challenges of her own and we never seemed to be able to get together. 
My friend Sarah lives in Alaska!

I prayed that God would bring some wonderful women into my life. 

And then Tiernan was born. 
And then he was diagnosed. 
And then I met Jesse.
And Dana and I have grown close.
And Kathy came into my life. 
And Heidi, and Kari, and Andrea, and Heather, and so many beautiful amazing women are in my world supporting me. 

I am so thankful for all these women that God has blessed me with through Tiernan. 

But if I am thankful, does that mean I am thankful for Tiernan having to endure an imperfect heart and all that has gone along with that? 

There is the uncomfortable piece of this. 

Perhaps I can look at the bright side of all the struggles and see the beautiful things God has done through this darkness.  And I feel as though I could honestly say that I do not regret all these things because look at what has come from it all.

But I do regret it.  I wish, more than anything that Tiernan had a healthy heart and body and had never known all the pain he has experienced.

But I am thankful as well. 

Maybe this isn't as incongruent as it feels. 

Okay...so there is now some progress

I am RUNNING!!!!  Wow!  I'm pleased with my progress! 
In August I walked a LOT!  I also started getting really serious about using My Fitness Pal to track my calories.  I am by no means always successfully under my goal, but I am not going significantly over like I used to.  And sometimes I AM under so that's good right?  :)
And the payoff?
As of today I have lost 14 pounds! 
Yay ME!!!!
As for the running.  I really just did a few minutes at a time in August and then that all went to Hell when school started.  I wasn't doing much of anything besides calorie counting until a few weeks ago.  I really expected to be in horrible shape from all that time off, but the reality was somewhat different.
I "wogged" (walk/jogged) my 4 mile route...by which I mean mostly walked.  But I ran enough (just over a mile...a total of 18 minutes off and on) and felt good enough that I was seriously encouraged.  So.  I went out again 2 days ago and reached a personal best....running for 10 minutes without stopping!  My grand total for running that day was 2.27 miles. 
Today was another personal best! 
I. Ran. A. Mile. Without. Stopping!
The last time I did that was in college.  :)
I am so freaking proud of myself!

So.  I have 2 current goals:

1. Run the Mile Challenge at my school in under 10 minutes with my students.
2. Run the Sound 2 Narrows 5K this May.  I have walked the 12K a few times but never run.

Jason and I are also going to transform our garage into a gym of sorts.  We already have a weight bench and weights that has been living in the very small common space between the upstairs bedrooms and existing only as a hazard to those walking in and out of Tristan's room.  We are going to buy a treadmill or eliptical machine.  The jury is currently out on that one but because funds are limited and a friend is willing to sell us a very lightly used treadmill that would currently run us about $1000 for only $275, we will likely go that route for now.  And since our awesome 7 year old is getting pretty serious about his taekwondo we are getting him a heavy bag to work out on as well.  This is all such exciting stuff for us! 

Oh, and speaking of Jason...we are finally getting back to normal with eachother!  So wonderful.  We are able to get the boys to bed around 8:30 on average and then we get quality alone time.  It feels like it did before Tiernan was born. 

So, to recap...since my last (and initial) post, I seem to have met my goals set that day! 
Woot!

and so i begin another journey...my own

how do i do it?
how do i manage it all?
how do jason and i stay strong together?
with God...and coffee. 
copious amounts of coffee. 
i have often said i need an iv drip of caffeine. 
but coffee aside, God is the one holding it all together.  He has us all so tightly knit to one another that we can't help but get through. 
jason and i don't go to church.  we don't read the bible regularly.  we forget to set aside time to be with God. 
and yet, He is there. 
we know it. 
there is no other explanation. 
but coffee helps. 
a lot.
the first day i met my dear friend heidi, we were in the waiting room outside the mary bridge picu.  we discussed our boys.  we discussed our families.  and then we discussed how essential faith is in surviving all this.  one of us, i don't remember who, said it would be impossible to make it through each day and each trial without God.
there was also a day last year when this same dear friend commented on one of my many facebook posts about being up all night with Tiernan.  she said it is amazing what we mamas can do on very little sleep...with enough coffee, that is.  ;)
so, what am i hoping to accomplish with God and coffee?
now that Tiernan is doing so much better, i want to refocus on me and my husband. 
today i got up (because the wee t woke me up) at 5:15 am.  once i got him back to sleep i could have easily just climbed back in bed.  but i didn't. 
i went downstairs and turned on a yoga video and did yoga for 45 minutes.
and here is the amazing part...
i did that BEFORE i had my latte!!!! 
that, my friends, is a first and took a lot of will power because i never know when that little boy of mine will wake up. i know that little boy of mine inevitably wakes up when i am ready to settle down with my latte...regardless of time.
i haven't done yoga in a loooooong time.  or any exercise for that matter.  so i am pretty pleased with myself. 
i want to keep this up. 
i have been inspired by my auntie mary who has just finished a grueling masters program.  she has started a 30 day bikram (hot) yoga regimen to get herself focused and reprogramed.  she has been blogging about her experience here if you are interested. 
anyway, i want to do this now while i am on summer vaca.  while my older son is still at the grands' in montana. 
i also want to spend more time focused on my husband.  because he is dreamy.  and funny.  and my best friend.  and we have had something like 6 dates in the last 2 years.  not. cool. 
i want us to have dates in our living room every night this week.  just like the "old days".  lol
and finally, i want to spend more time focused on God.
because He is the reason jason and i are still standing.
He is the reason my smallest son is still alive. 
and He is the one who gave us coffee...to show us He loves us.  very much.